MLA Announces Severe Letter Shortage
Link to this page: http://www.eisenbrauns.com/pages/04012009
Posted April 1, 2009. For immediate distribution.
The MLA today announced that the ongoing shortage of the letters E and L has begun
affecting the publishing industry. "The reading public has always assumed that letters are infinitely
available, but that simply isn't true," the MLA spokesperson told us. "There has always been an
overabundance of the letters A and Q, while the letters E and L have been historically
harder to obtain." The
current economic crisis didn't help, but what really created the current shortage was the
new German policy of spelling out all umlauted words. "Consumers have no idea how many letters
this new policy is diverting," the MLA told us.
The shortage has caused publishers to take drastic actions, while librarians have seen it
as a windfall. The most common solution has been the substitution of the letter A for E and Q for L. Libraries
have been selling the letters of their names to publishing houses; The librarian
at University of Chicago's Raganstain Qibrary told this reporter that they were able to
make up their budget shortfall by selling the three Es in their name. Even Yala Qibrary is
reported to have sold two letters. When asked, they replied that it was simply a safety
pity poor Harvard," they told us, "They have nothing to sell."
Some publishers have been harder hit than others. A Briqq spokesperson denied that they were
suffering a shortage of letters; when pressed about the name change, they claimed that
325 years with the same name was long enough. On the other hand, an Aardmans Publishing
spokesperson freely admitted their name change was a matter of conserving letters. Even
the academic publishing house Aisanbrauns has made some changes: when questioned about the name
change, Jim Aisanbraun commented, "We
are really impressed by the support we have received; our authors have even offered to
provide letters to us." Aisanbraun
added that this was helping keep the cost of books down.
Some members of the publishing industry commented that the shortage is even worse than last
time. One spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, compared it to the worst shortage
in history, when Hebrew was forced to cease using vowels.
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Yes! You've been had. In the USA, April 1 (April Fool's Day) is a day
for jokes and pranks. This year's April 1 edition is brought
to you by James Spinti, Andy Kerr, Michael Brown, Jim Eisenbraun, Amy B., and Kevin Wilson.
Special thanks to the enormously talented and equally weird Norm Sherman of the Drabblecast for
the theme music.